


my tears have dried (because you're here)

by efflorescere



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 乐华七子NEXT | NEX7, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide, depressed thoughts, i made jungjung and zhengting different people because why not, wenjun is a sweetheart, will add more characters and tags when they appear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 18:10:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15935627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efflorescere/pseuds/efflorescere
Summary: Tired from living a life full of pain, Jungjung left the world behind. He wakes up in a hospital though, and everything felt wrong since the moment he opened his eyes.A tall man keeps calling him 'Zhengting' and it concerns him how the said man seemed unbelieving that he was awake.Just what happened?*** Warnings: suicide[formerly titled as 'second life']





	my tears have dried (because you're here)

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: suicide**
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>  **_But if you are easily triggered, please skip the first part of this fanfic._** If you are battling with mental health, depression, or anxiety, please seek out immediate help. I love you all.
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> The title is also temporary. Thank you.

He knew he’s going to leave people behind.

His tears were flowing continuously as he stared hard at the sharp object in his hand. It barely touched his finger when he picked it up from his bedside drawer, but it sliced his skin and it bled a little. It didn’t hurt, no, he was numb. A small cut can’t hurt him anymore. There was too much pain in his heart he could not bear it anymore.

The room was dark. The night was no longer young and everyone’s asleep. He was an exception. It’s been weeks since he last got proper sleep. It’s been months since the last time his mind calmed a little.

The white wall in his room seemed very dull, but in Jungjung’s eyes there were figures dancing in the wall along the light from the street lamp outside. They were memories of the fleeting moments of happiness he once experienced. The people who cared for him, even a little, flashed in Jungjung’s mind.

He wanted to change his mind.

But no, the images stopped. They changed and now they were cruel. These were his hurtful memories. The painful ones he wants to leave behind. The ones he wants to forget.

_Is it really still worth it to live?_

The other part of his mind screamed _yes! — at least do it for the people you would leave behind_. His mother, his best friend… _was there anyone else?_

Two people, but they both meant a lot. They were there for him ever since, and a part of his mind tells him it’s selfish if he leaves them behind.

But he can’t bear to bring them into the mess of his head either. He’s too wrecked, unfixable, beyond repair. He didn’t want them to continue suffering with him. It was enough that he is suffering. It’s enough that only he is drowning into the pit of darkness he created for himself.

Deep inside, he blames himself for everything that has happened in his life. Maybe it was his fault that everyone wanted to hurt him. Maybe it was his fault why people wanted to leave him. Heck, he didn’t even know why his mother and his best friend are still staying behind. If it was up to him, he would rather have them leave, because then he could also leave without thinking how he would leave them behind.

His heart is tired. He’s just tired. There were no words to describe how worn out he feels. Every day, the world seems to add more weight to the burden in his heart. There was no use living, because he was long dead inside.

If he goes now, tomorrow is just another normal day. The sun would still shine, the birds will still sing, the waves in the sea would still crash the shore.

_Is it really still worth it to live?_

The voices in his head never went silent. They were noisy. They messed up his mind. He’s tired and all he wanted to do is rest.

For the last time he told himself that at least, he tried to live. Even if the world was cruel, he still tried to live.

_If you leave now, you won’t get hurt anymore._

But then maybe, he wasn’t really meant to live at all.

His knuckles turned white from how tightly he clenched his fist. The waterworks in his eyes never stopped flowing; all the frustration, sadness, regret, and everything were all poured out in those tears.

He took a pen and paper from his drawer. As much as he didn’t want to leave his trace behind, he knew two people would shed tears for him. The thought of leaving them behind hurt him too, but then, everything was already too much.

Sometimes, even if you know there is someone who cares for you, if the world continues to hurt you, it’s just not enough.

And even if these thoughts of them hurt Jungjung’s heart so much, he can’t help but only feel sorry.

_I’m sorry._

The paper he was writing in was wet. It would dry in the morning anyway, along with the pain he’s felt all his life.

He took the blade again, this time he knew it was time. He opened his eyes one last time, gazed at his room that became his little fortress to shield all the pain away, glanced at the world outside, and then closed his eyes again.

_In my next life, let’s be happy._

And there it ended.

 

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His eyes were blurry when he opened them. It was bright and the only sound he could hear was the soft beeping coming from beside him. He had no idea where he was. He could remember vividly how the last thing he saw was the street lamp across the window of his room that night. Now he’s looking into something bright.

_Is this heaven?_ Did he _succeed_?

When his eyes finally found focus, he blinked a few times.

_Oh._

A short look-around told him it was a hospital. He _failed_. Now he’s going to have to live his petty excuse of a life again, and everyone who’s heard that the quiet, skinny boy Jungjung from next door tried to kill himself will pity him. _Great._ Although he couldn’t move his body for some reason, he managed to clench his fist a little in frustration. _Why would you not just let me leave?_ A tear dropped from his eye as his mind screamed in anger.

As he was busy drowning in pity for himself, he heard the door creak a little. In came a tall man with jet black hair. He couldn’t see his face as he had his back turned around to close the door. In his arms was a small bouquet of white roses, his favorite flowers. The back profile of the said man screamed unfamiliar, he knew he didn’t know the man nor once have he seen him in his life.

Wide, doe-like eyes stared back at him as the man turned around. The look of disbelief in the man’s eyes told him he wasn’t expecting him to be awake yet. “Zhengting?” His voice was so soft and full of disbelief he barely heard it if only they were not the only ones in the room.

_Zhengting?_

The man took a step forward, placed the flowers on the table beside his hospital bed, and then held his hand. “Y-You’re—you’re really awake?” To Jungjung it was concerning how he seemed to still not believe his eyes. He nodded, a little hesitant to even answer the unknown man.

“Let me call a doctor first.” He was fast gone after that.

Jungjung’s mind was blaring alarms inside. A lot of things were wrong. First, why was he even alive in the first place? He’s supposed to be dead and in a place for souls who left the world, he was expecting some sort of underworld or heaven or something similar. But he was in a hospital, of all places.

Second, who was the man earlier? He’s not even familiar, not one bit. There was not even the littlest bit of recognition in Jungjung’s mind for the said man.

Third, why was he calling him Zhengting? He knew for a fact that his name was not Zhengting, he had a few nicknames during high school, but none of them sounded even close to that name.

Barely a minute has passed when the man came back with a doctor and some nurses. They all looked like a miracle just happened to him and it disturbed him a little. _Exactly what has happened to him and why are a lot of things wrong right now?_

The doctor and the nurses all checked him, even _rudely_ flashing some sort of light in his eyes, in which he blinked because it hurt his eyes. His eyebrows were crooked a little. He didn’t understand anything that was happening.

The doctor talked to the man after that but he couldn’t hear what they were talking about. There were a lot of things happening all at once and his brain couldn’t process them properly. He was a little taken a back when the nurse who was adjusting the tubes attached to him (he didn’t know why they were there, _he just slit his wrist_ , why were there too many tubes?) spoke.

“We’re really glad you’re awake.” _I didn’t want to be._

“It’s a miracle. I hope you live this second chance in your life happily.” She smiled at him then walked out of the room along with the doctor and the other nurses.

Something flared inside him. He was getting a little angry at everything. _He didn’t want to be here._ He just wanted to rest, why is the world being too cruel?

“’Ting?” He heard the tall man call him. He shifted his eyes from the ceiling to him and watched him pull a seat beside his hospital bed.

He stretched his hand and in a second, he was combing his hair. If the man saw him flinch a little, he didn’t comment about it. Instead, he just continued to caress his hair while looking at him carefully.

“I’m really, really glad you’re awake.” The man threw a small smile at him, and it caught him off guard. It was undeniable that the man was handsome, but he didn’t know him still.

“I missed you,” he said, and the more he speaks, the more Jungjung gets confused. _He didn’t know him. Who was he?_

He proceeds to adjust his sheets then smiled at him again. “You should rest. I’m going to call your mom later.”

His mind was tired anyway, so he threw one last glance at the unknown man before he closed his eyes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> drop me things on [ twt ](https://www.twitter.com/the9thpercent) or [ cc ](https://curiouscat.me/hanzus)
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> i would just like to mention that mental health and suicide are sensitive topics and must be taken seriously. tbh i didn't want to write much about it because depression is a sensitive issue even for me, that's why i didn't delve into the subject as much.
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> **this fic will have further mentions of suicide, depressing thoughts, etc. although they will be subtle, please refrain from reading if you are easily triggered by these things.**
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> always take care bubs


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